Hi! I know it's been forever. Trust me, it feels like forever. :)
I'm worried I'm turning into one of those people who always complains. Who you find yourself running from when you see them coming. But people keep asking all the right questions:
How is Bart's dissertation going:
Answer: I hate Phds, I hate disserations, I hate education, when I see him sitting on the couch in front of the computer all day I want to ring his neck!!!
(Okay, not always so violent but seriously getting there. He works all day on it because we are doing everything we can to get it done this semester. I couldn't tell you how it's going, it's all greek to me. All I know is sometimes he's pleased, and sometimes frustrated, and I am mainly frustrated. :))
How are Bart's classes going?
Answer: We are grateful for the work. (I look around for lightening to strike in case I seem ungrateful. :)) But I'm not fond of having him busy all day, then gone all evening.
(Bart has been teaching night classes at a college in Boise for our bread. They love him and he has talent as a teacher but it is a long commute and long nights for both of us.)
How are your (many) children?
Answer: Sick again. How, I have no idea. They are also bent on destroying the house.
How is the baby? Answer: Sick, cranky, constipated, and cute when I have the energy to notice.
How are you?
Answer: Tired, Tired, Tired, of being dirt poor, and run ragged because I'm basically a single mom.
Now you see why people run from me? Okay, honestly I try not to come across this morose but yesterday I was thinking of these question and answers and I realized why life is so hard.
If I had a normal 7 1/2 month old, he would be sitting up, rolling over, starting to play with toys, bigger, have some semblance of a schedule, sleeping better at night, etc.
Instead, after 7 1/2 months I only have a 4 month old. Sounds "duh" I know but I have been pushing myself so hard in a really tough situation on all fronts, because mentally I think I have an almost 8 month old and I should have it together by now, right? I battle being depressed because obviously, I feel like I'm pathetic. So this really long, horrible post is to let you all know that I fixed my mental malfunction ( atleast this one :)) and have realized I have had a new born for twice as long as normal. Things aren't hard because I'm pathetic! Yea!
Today, I made my little goals, rejoiced in what I accomplished, and walked right by what I didn't without guilt. It was wonderful! Not to mention, I took a pause to enjoy our beautiful baby and take some photobooth pictures of him for you. Here's to making life easier on myself!
7 comments:
hi jen - you don't know me, we've met a few times.. bart and i worked together for mimi for a bit together.. anyhow -
i hope you don't mind me commenting.. you said "i battle being depressed because obviously, i am pathetic." you aren't pathetic. this phd thing sucks, being broke sucks, having your husband gone all the time, sucks. you aren't pathetic, you are simply human. i hope you'll be kinder to yourself about how you are coping.
I know who you are Brooke! Thanks for your comment. The point of the post was that I WAS feeling pathetic, but now I'm viewing things clearer. I fixed it so hopefully it sounds better. However, I appreciate your concern! Thanks! Jen
I am glad to see your seeing things with a clearer perspective...it reminds me of those commercials where the person is in a "daze" kind a foggy and then takes "clairitan" to see the world better...
Thank you for being an inspiration, I know you don't think you are but you inspire me to better and I love it. You are a dear friend and you are amazing! Remember the little things are important and not if the laundry is folded (mine has been sitting on my couch for a week, taunting me).
You are Awesome!!! When I see you, I see a woman who has faith, is a wonderful mother and wife and great friend.
((HUGGS))
And one of your "little" goals must have been blogging!! Yeah for us, getting pictures again. The other night, at the wedding reception, I was thinking how super nice it must have been for you to have that night out away from the kids (and getting to eat 3 kinds of cake if you wanted... I know I did :))
I hear you on the dissertation. Colter put in long hard hours for about 2 years. It was a long hard battle and I'm so glad we're done! And while I thought we wouldn't be dirt poor after he was done, we moved to New Jersey so we're just poor!
Keep up the faith! I'm sure you're doing better than you think. Colter had to give me a little pep talk last night! A good perspective really helps, doesn't it?
Jen,
I was wondering how you were doing and came to check out your blog. Sounds like life is not fair to good people.
Tamsyn and I think the world of you and Bart; you are salt of the earth good people. You were such good friends to us the short time we were in the same ward together. Just keep plodding along and things will get better.
Tamsyn is doing a website now. It's more than a blog and she has high ambitions. You should check it out at http://www.professional-mothering.com/
Mike Spackman
We love you!! Let us know if we can do anything. Playdates would be fun if we lived closer, I know that helps me when I need perspective :) Getting out and talking to adults :)
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